infofarmer braindumps

dead man

not yet.

preliminary diagnosis: I’m a 70 year old fart

blood tests pending

condition incurable

symptomatic treatment available, radical change of life style needed, much more activity

nothing fatal confirmed yet :-|

posted at: 22:45 | path: | permanent link to this entry

hello world, you're nice today

I’m getting used to terminal conditions.

It’s fun, being aboard Titanic, watching it drown, — quickly, but gracefully, unbelievably, but surely. The unsinkable manifest of stability goes down.

Fun being on Earth that's about to explode, or be consumed by the exploding Sun, or be buried under a mind-boggling tidal wave. You’ve never appreciated having a firm patch of soil to stand your feet upon, have you? Well, now you do, although it’s too late to enjoy the firmness.

Fun watching your body collapse, especially if it starts from periphery. You took it through a lot. 25 years of running, climbing, crazy partying, car crashes, hypodynamia, — it took it all so well. And it felt like it was ready to take another 50. But something went wrong. And now, again, is a question of months.

So it’s something demonically aggressive. So bad that I’ll probably have to see a professional to confirm my fears and think over the prospects.

I love nighttime.

posted at: 01:13 | path: | permanent link to this entry

A New Optina

Rediscovered, in a way. Today was a long and happy day.

Got on the usual express train to Kaluga from Kievsky train station in Moscow. Decided to go the first class. Was regretting the whole way, as the "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears" Soviet movie classic was on, there was no way not to listen to it, and much as the film is great, I was counting on a quiet trip. Will try second class next time.

Got to Kozelsk from Kaluga by bus in no time - and almost didn't recognize it. A recent visit by our much-reveered president Medvedev gave rebirth to a few front streets of the otherwise faded town.

Optina was a miracle. Didn't seem to ward my current death spell off, but taught me not to mind it, genuinely. It was the feast of Saint Ambrose, crowds came from all over Russia on Friday, and that grew tenfold or so by the time I was leaving Saturday morning.

I'm reinforced for a while now, hopefully. Haven't been there for months, which is not good at all.

The way back was luckily facilitated by two cars and a few cofarers.

posted at: 01:53 | path: | permanent link to this entry

routine

How does one forget something while thinking about it every day? Well, first you put it off the center of your mind. In a nice and decent place, just out of the way of your daily thoughts. Significant daily thoughts.

Then you keep pushing it more and more to the periphery, while delegating the regular thinking to your routine processor. And, when it's there, you won't be able to get it out back without much effort. That's the beauty.

Unless that something is the most important thing in your life, which you just tried not to forget about.

posted at: 01:55 | path: | permanent link to this entry

a hero now and forever - not

So I'm dying again. Good grievance!

A friend tells me I haven't written in a while. And twitter doesn't count. I agree.

2010 should have become my renaissance. Instead, I was going to name this post "the lost year". Why didn't I? Or maybe, minding the circumstances, "the last year" would be more appropriate?

I totally lost it to the vanity of serious business. Still a wannabe Christian, now ever more retrospective and aspiring, than actual.

January 14th was my day 1 in the new circle of Hell for me. I intended to stay a couple of years max. Tried not to think if it would become three to five. What I didn't think about, is if I was up to lasting a single one.

Money unlimited, no side expenses, - I was lucky to have at least something of a moral framework to stand upon. So it was all limited to feeding myself to death. I'm excellent at anything I set out to do. Especially if it's related to earthly pleasures.

Calorie count overflowing, I merrily stopped appending impossible amounts of foodstuffs to MyBinges. I set out not to exceed 40-50 hours on the job per week. Ha! Like I didn't know it would grow to 70-80 as easy as pie.

So a side effect was no exercise and very little physical activity. Taxi rides home helped.

And here's the deal. Air pollution, triple calorie intake, no physical activity, and lack of sleep - are risk factors causing what? You don't want to know.

But it hit me early October and developed quickly into something that can't be easily ignored or discarded as my usual neuralgia-driven hypochondria. Like Bourne said, this is real! Bam! Bam! Bam! BAM!

Hey, Death, old pal.

Last time I was medically saved, something a lot bigger happened to me. This time - I'm not sure it'll all be the same. At all.

This job had to be the last one for me. And, except for being happily fired, my premature emergency exit plan was through a terminal condition only. Tough spot, right? But being the wreck I am, the possibility is not too remote. And here it is.

The thing is, this is the emergency plan. I had my hopes for all the years beyond my last job. To be a human being. To worship and to love. Naturally, the emergency plan leads there, too. But it requires a lot more determination to follow than I can summon at the moment. And procrastination is the best way not to let God help you.

This time I know a lot more about the nature of illness and healing. But it doesn't help me to decide on anything. Have I been dying all this time?

I'm blessed to know a lot more shining warriors of light by now, but will they help me if all I do is sit and lament my poor bones? They will lament with me and watch my soul steer into the depths of darkness once again, this time on a one-way journey.

All these months of going, standing, sitting, reading - how did I miss my own candle going so faint?

God, please forgive me.

posted at: 23:10 | path: | permanent link to this entry

infofarmer braindumps

Tue, 09 Nov 2010

Sun, 24 Oct 2010

Thu, 21 Oct 2010

Tue, 19 Oct 2010

Fri, 22 Jan 2010

Thu, 21 Jan 2010

Wed, 20 Jan 2010

Tue, 19 Jan 2010

Mon, 18 Jan 2010

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Sat, 16 Jan 2010

Fri, 15 Jan 2010

Thu, 14 Jan 2010