infofarmer braindumps

So I'm dying again. Good grievance!

A friend tells me I haven't written in a while. And twitter doesn't count. I agree.

2010 should have become my renaissance. Instead, I was going to name this post "the lost year". Why didn't I? Or maybe, minding the circumstances, "the last year" would be more appropriate?

I totally lost it to the vanity of serious business. Still a wannabe Christian, now ever more retrospective and aspiring, than actual.

January 14th was my day 1 in the new circle of Hell for me. I intended to stay a couple of years max. Tried not to think if it would become three to five. What I didn't think about, is if I was up to lasting a single one.

Money unlimited, no side expenses, - I was lucky to have at least something of a moral framework to stand upon. So it was all limited to feeding myself to death. I'm excellent at anything I set out to do. Especially if it's related to earthly pleasures.

Calorie count overflowing, I merrily stopped appending impossible amounts of foodstuffs to MyBinges. I set out not to exceed 40-50 hours on the job per week. Ha! Like I didn't know it would grow to 70-80 as easy as pie.

So a side effect was no exercise and very little physical activity. Taxi rides home helped.

And here's the deal. Air pollution, triple calorie intake, no physical activity, and lack of sleep - are risk factors causing what? You don't want to know.

But it hit me early October and developed quickly into something that can't be easily ignored or discarded as my usual neuralgia-driven hypochondria. Like Bourne said, this is real! Bam! Bam! Bam! BAM!

Hey, Death, old pal.

Last time I was medically saved, something a lot bigger happened to me. This time - I'm not sure it'll all be the same. At all.

This job had to be the last one for me. And, except for being happily fired, my premature emergency exit plan was through a terminal condition only. Tough spot, right? But being the wreck I am, the possibility is not too remote. And here it is.

The thing is, this is the emergency plan. I had my hopes for all the years beyond my last job. To be a human being. To worship and to love. Naturally, the emergency plan leads there, too. But it requires a lot more determination to follow than I can summon at the moment. And procrastination is the best way not to let God help you.

This time I know a lot more about the nature of illness and healing. But it doesn't help me to decide on anything. Have I been dying all this time?

I'm blessed to know a lot more shining warriors of light by now, but will they help me if all I do is sit and lament my poor bones? They will lament with me and watch my soul steer into the depths of darkness once again, this time on a one-way journey.

All these months of going, standing, sitting, reading - how did I miss my own candle going so faint?

God, please forgive me.